You Seem a Little Lost
I've felt a little lost lately.
A little floaty, a little unsure of where my feet actually are, a little like I'm spinning and can't make sense of which way is up. Rhythms and practices that for the past two-plus years were second nature to me, I seem to have forgotten about completely.
I've been feeling all this for a while. Maybe a month or more? I think I can pinpoint it to the end of September and my gut knows the variety of reasons.
Chad and I spent Saturday morning tucked away in our living room - sun beaming through the windows, gas fireplace lit, covered in blankets on opposite couches from one another. We held steaming cups of coffee as we settled into the quiet. For a while there weren't many words to share, just the soaking up of the sun and the quiet after a busy week and before a full afternoon.
And then he said, "You seem a little lost."
I've learned from some very trusted voices that our tears are worth paying attention to. Especially the ones that come unexpectedly and are hard to make sense of upon their arrival. Rather than finding myself upset over my tears or pushing them away, I found myself allowing them to come as a welcome friend.*
I do feel lost. But I haven't been able to find those words for over a month and so I've walked around on edge, constantly a little angry inside, skeptical of everything and everyone, responding with short words to people I love the most, and then spinning into more frustration and anger at myself for responding in a nature that is not normal for me.
Naming our feelings does not fix them. But it does soften their edges and allow us to start holding them more gently, with curiosity and compassion.
We spent the next space of time allowing the tears to come, asking questions about them, wrestling through possible answers to those questions, and gently turning in our hands the variety of reasons they've been simmering inside for a while.
I find myself deeply missing my community from grad school. I graduated back in May and I've enjoyed finding that I have space and time to turn my energy and creativity toward other things, but I also deeply miss being pushed to read, write, think, and engage in the way school asked me to.
Shortly after graduation, we launched hard into this floral business and were given a beautifully full September calendar. But that meant for August-September we were intently focused on building a cooler, transforming our garage to a workspace, and planning all the floral details for our events.
We recently discovered some health issues I have (nothing incredibly concerning). These issues coming to light have provided answers for how uncomfortable I've felt for a few years. I'm working with a functional doctor on these and I am incredibly grateful for how well my body is healing. It has also been really, really hard work around changing my eating habits, movement habits, and how I engage, view, and care for my body on the whole.
I spend three days of my week with an almost-three-year-old who is incredible and fun and adorable. AND I have never spent this amount of time around this specific kid before so there is a lot of learning, adapting, and guiding in ways that are totally new and sometimes foreign to me.
All this to say, my rhythms in a wide span of areas in my life have shifted significantly in the last 5 months. I think I feel lost though because they've shifted so subtly and all at once that I've not really recognized how different life has become. I know it, but my deep self hasn't known it yet.
I feel a little lost. I also know I am not actually lost.
As Chad and I turned these, and some other things, over in conversation on Saturday, I was finally able to name that I'm craving some familiar things, but maybe in a new way. I know who I am. I know what my soul needs to feel like its feet are on solid ground. I know what practices guide me into paths of light and what habits distract and disorient.
So while I feel lost, I am not lost. I am a little adrift from what my soul needs. I am a little out of sorts with the practices that instill life in me.
In the past, I think I would have just turned to a former season of life and tried to plaster it onto my current season, hoping it would stick and change things.
Thanks be to God, I have come to understand that what I actually need is to turn to voices, practices, and rhythms that I know give life to my soul and engage them in ways that this specific season is asking for. For now, this looks like browsing my own library and pulling books that are familiar, or from familiar people, or on familiar topics.
It looks like coming to the coffee shop that has been like home for the last 5 years and finding my favorite table, but choosing a new drink because it fits my body better.
It looks like putting my ear buds in and listening to the music I listened to all during grad school, every time I wrote a paper but writing without a prompt and on the things that are going on in my actual, current life.
If you feel lost too, I hope that you'll find the space (or someone to hold the space for you) to gently explore why. If tears come, welcome them as a friend sent to guide you into deeper understanding. I hope you will know you likely are not actually lost but maybe only adrift from the things that feed the deepest part of your soul. You will come to find your feet anchored down again in time. While you're in this drifting way, may you simply find a light to guide you home.**
The 5 books I’m turning to (in case you need something to read too):
Becoming Dallas Willard by Gary Moon - Dallas Willard is a very favorite voice of mine in spiritual formation. This was “highly encouraged” reading in grad school that I never made it to, so I’m looking forward to starting this one.
Jayber Crow by Wendell Berry - I love this book and I’m turning to it because it feels so familiar. It moves slowly, is contemplative in nature, and reminds me that a slow life is really very beautiful and worth pursuing. (The audio version on Audible is a 10/10 if you’d prefer to listen.)
Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund - This book opened my spiritual eyes and understanding of just how much Jesus actually loves me. He is accessible to me. He is gentle with me. I cannot recommend this book enough. I’m picking it up now because I need the gentle words of truth in me as I go to bed.
Invitation to Solitude and Silence by Ruth Haley Barton - Somehow I find myself having never read anything from RHB. I love the topics of solitude and silence and know I need her voice in this area of my life and curiosities.
The Way of the Heart by Henri Nouwen - I’m already over halfway through this little book for the first time and even though it was published in 1981, Nouwen’s words are so comforting to me for the year 2023, and all we are watching unfold.
* Emily P. Freeman has taught me this the most. I don’t have a direct link for one particular source since I’ve heard it from her in so many different spaces. You can find her voice and words on this on her podcast, The Next Right Thing.
** Words from a song by Josh Garrels that plays through my mind every so often.
